I spend a lot of time around kids, but I don’t have any of my own. Instead, I have Dwight. Full name: Dwight K. Schrute (Adam named him. It was a vast improvement over the cat. Her name is Star Trek). I think people might be right when they say if you want kids, you should start with a plant. Keep that alive, get a puppy. Keep that alive, you might be ready for kids. The thing is, I’ve had some plants. None of them have survived. Now I have a dog, and sometimes I don’t think I will survive. This does not bode well for ever having children.
Despite that, Dwight is alive and mostly well. We’ve both survived the past four years, though sometimes barely. I do think having Dwight has taught me a variety of life lessons that make me a better caretaker of small children. These lessons have also made me a better runner, a better wife, a better sleeper, and a better human. Let me explain:
Lessons I Have Learned From Dwight the Dog (Part Brittany Spaniel, Part Australian Shepherd, Full Obnoxious):
I love my dog. I don’t bother to get into any of the competitive bragging at the dog park. In fact, I’m usually pretending I don’t know him while giving him the evil eye. This is the dog that ate all the stocking stuffers one year (Handy tip: charcoal also induces vomiting in dogs. Also immediately). This is the dog that humps my grandmother every time he sees her. This is the dog that knocks over small children, and eats Kleenex, and used to chew up furniture legs. The same dog that begs you to take him out, then makes you chase him around the apartment to get a leash on him. He’s a hot mess. But he’s our hot mess. And there’s nothing like having a slobbering idiot around, that relies on you for every little thing, to give you a big kick in the pants toward adulthood.
This is an actual picture of my actual husband. He is not, contrary to popular belief, actual Batman. He is a man of many talents. A renaissance man, if you will. He is good at many things (fewer than he thinks, but more than most people know). Here is a list of things my husband is good at (I know, so many lists, right? I can’t help it. Lists are super fun.):
Things My Husband is Good At (Please note: certain things are not on this list, but I can assure you he is good at them; we won’t go into detail here as I think my mother is following this blog and Adam gets embarrassed when I overshare)
You may have noticed that many of the items on the list work on a deeper, more sentimental and romantic level as well. He is all of those things too, but that’s not really my thing so I will not be writing about how much I love him and how good and kind and wonderful he is and how lucky I am to have him. Boring. I will simply say that while I might not be married to actual Batman, I am certainly married to an actual superhero. Batadaman. I hope he comes home from his show soon, because I have a funny story about a stripper that I met today and I’ve been wanting to tell him about it all day.
I have a friend Jill who lives in the middle of nowhere in Idaho. Tonight, she called me from her two-person hot tub where she was drinking a glass of wine. The connection wasn’t so great, and she explained that this was because she was on a landline and the cord didn’t quite reach all the way to the hot tub. I found this highly amusing. First of all, Jill has a landline. Because she has to, because her cell reception is spotty on her farm out in the middle of nowhere. Secondly, she had the cord for that landline stretched out to the limit so she could talk to me from the hot tub, while she sipped some wine. Like a total baller.
I have very few friends whose lives are similar to mine. But I also have very few whose lives are so totally antithetical to mine as Jill’s. To illustrate, here is a list of differences between my life and Jill’s life (lists seem to be working for me the last couple of posts):
This is by no means a comprehensive list. But you get the picture. In fact, the photograph above pretty much sums it up. Jill has DONKEYS. And other animals. Like, a farm. She lives on a farm. Although, if you think about it, Los Angeles really is kind of a zoo. So I guess we’ve got that in common. We’re surrounded by animals, just of a slightly different variety.