Boston has St. Patrick’s Day. New Orleans has Mardis Gras. And Los Angeles has today.
HAPPY OSCAR SUNDAY, PEOPLE.
It truly is a happy day here in Los Angeles. Not because some people are going home with statues tonight, or because Billy Crystal is hosting again. No, we’re all happy because tomorrow, Hollywood Blvd., which has been shut down for a week, will be open for traffic again. We’re happy because we will no longer be inundated with posters touting movies and actors, shamelessly displaying the words “for your consideration.” Most of all, we’re happy that this means Awards Season is finally over, and people in LA can finish giving each other trophies and get back to actually making movies and television. Hallelujah.
Los Angeles has a love/hate relationship with the Academy Awards. Yes, they’re a total pain in the ass. Yes, they’re often pretentious, usually boring, and they always run long. But there’s something magical about movies and Hollywood and stars in tuxedos and dresses. It’s the Oscars. We’re all totally going to be watching.
In honor of the Oscars, I have decided to give you my two cents about some of the Best Picture nominees. I’ve watched most of the screeners SAG mailed out, seen some more in theatres, and have an opinion about all of them, whether or not I’ve seen them. You’re welcome.
The 2012 Oscar Best Picture Nominees and My Opinion of Same
The Artist: This movie has no talking, and it turns out I’m a big fan of talking. I thought it was a delightful film, but when the characters don’t talk, I overcompensate by talking about the movie to Anne, who didn’t mind, because we were both a little underwhelmed. The dog was adorable.
The Descendants: In this movie, George Clooney runs really weird. Like, he runs several times during the movie, and each time I thought wow, he runs really weird. Which begs the question - character choice, or is George Clooney a totally awkward runner?
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: I did not see this movie, but if I compiled a list of all the tweets I read making fun of the name of this film and read that list out loud, I think it would be longer than the film itself. That’s all.
The Help: For being a feel-good movie about a white girl single-handedly curing racism and inequality in the south, this movie was surprisingly enjoyable. The actresses saved it from being overly sweet and Disneyfied. Allison Janney deserved more recognition than she got for her work, but I suppose that is thematically appropriate for the movie.
Hugo: I think this is the same movie as Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. I might be wrong.
Midnight in Paris: I didn’t see this movie but everyone says I would like it, so I’ve decided to dislike it just to be difficult.
Moneyball: Don’t let the title fool you. This film is about baseball. And it is fantastic. I don’t think Brad Pitt deserves an Oscar for it, but be prepared for him to win just because he’s Brad Pitt and he hasn’t won one yet (e.g. Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich or Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side). Jonah Hill was also great, but the real winner is, per usual, Aaron Sorkin, He is the Muhammad Ali of words.
The Tree of Life: I don’t smoke pot, and I was told that was a necessary step to enjoying this movie. In my mind it is Big Fish meets that trippy movie with all the Beatles songs. I never saw either of those, but I bet that’s accurate.
War Horse: This movie is about a horse, and a war. I heard it’s sad. Steven Speilberg makes a lot of movies and a lot of money. It’ll probably win things.
You might think I forgot to make a prediction about which of these will win. But I did not forget. I do not know, nor do I particularly care. I do not, in fact, remember which film won Best Picture last year. All I know is that there were a lot of movies made last year, and I saw a lot of them, and I want my money back for Breaking Dawn Part I. And maybe a formal apology for Jack & Jill. I didn’t watch it, but none of us deserved that preview playing before all the other bad movies we paid to watch.
Good luck on your Oscar predictions - I have to leave now to get to a shoot in Hollywood, which means I have to take Los Feliz because Highland is closed. I miss you, Hollywood Blvd.