what's in a name?
You know how some people are completely anal retentive about their name? Like, if you spell Sarah with an h, but it’s actually Sara without an h and they totally lose their shit? Or how other people let someone continue to call them by the wrong name past the point when it’s socially acceptable to correct them? I’m in that latter group of people. I...
everyone's a little bit sexist
Today President Obama called Kamala Harris, Attorney General of the State of California, the “best-looking attorney general.” Cue indignation. Let’s set aside the fact that Obama was probably right. (No seriously, if he’s talking CA State Attorneys General, Harris wins. Tirey L. Ford is a close second. http://oag.ca.gov/history ) But nobody’s upset that Obama...
Twitter in More Than 140 Characters
@itstheannmarie is writing a paper about Twitter and parody, and asked if I would answer some questions. (Obviously, I am a leading thinker in the fields of funny and Twitter. Or more likely, Ann-Marie wants an excuse to tweet and call it research.) Either way, these answers were longer and less funny than I intended. But when I put this much time into writing something (like, 30 minutes), I make...
A Lot to Earn
I turned 30 this weekend. I’ve known it was coming for a while (math is hard, but not that hard). Still, it surprised me a bit. I’ve never been nervous about turning 30. In fact, I’ve always suspected I’ll be much better at my 30’s than I was at my 20’s. (Considering I haven’t managed to take a shower today, I may have to reassess.) But for better...
an open answer to an open letter
My friend asked on Facebook why anyone would vote for Obama, because she truly does not understand. I like her, and I happen to have voted for Obama, so I decided to write a serious answer. K, I know you don’t mean to offend - and I’m certainly not offended. I think it’s crazy that so many people truly don’t understand why more than half the country supported Obama, but...
Down in Front
A few weeks ago, I got tickets to see Scarface at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Right next to Paramount Studios, Hollywood Forever is the final resting place for lots of famous people who built Hollywood and whose names we kind of recognize. During the summer, they project films onto the wall of one of the buildings for a crowd of 3,000 drunk and unruly individuals. Seriously. It’s...
I always hate this day. That’s kind of a stupid thing to say, I suppose. No one likes it. There are plenty of people in the world with more reason to hate this day than I have. But still. I’m never ready for it. It always sneaks up on me, somehow. Which is weird, because it’s not like I’ve forgotten. Nobody who saw it 11 years ago has forgotten. Every time I see the words...
There’s not much I hate more than having to ask people for money. It’s always awkward for everyone involved. The person asking feels embarrassed and nervous. The person being asked feels put on the the spot. That’s the single greatest benefit I can see of being crazy rich: you don’t have to ask people for money anymore. You do what you want. As it turns out,...
Fifty Shades of Something
Okay, you guys. It’s time to talk mommy porn. (Mom, I’m sorry for using that phrase, but I didn’t make it up.) In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past month or so, allow me to explain. There’s a book called Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s written by a British woman named Erika Leonard, whose pen name is E. L. James. I don’t see the point in a...
I got a hipster haircut today from a barber named Jim. I adore him and I’ll never go anywhere else ever again, even if I ended up with a haircut that’s way too hip for my own good. And bangs. Good lord, do I have bangs. I think I’ve finally reached a point where bangs don’t remind me of the awkward middle school version of myself (as opposed to the awkward very...
Hey, remember that one time when I had a blog and I updated it regularly? Yeah, me neither. The past six weeks have been busy. Plus, my blog redesign failed tremendously and I can’t be bothered to fix it. So you get this: Things I’ve Been Busy Doing Which May or May Not Be Decent Excuses for the Pitiful State of My Blog and My Life as a Whole I succeeded in finding a Pit...
YOU GUYS. I Met Hollywood Jesus.
Today was the much dreaded/anticipated LA Marathon. Dreaded, because it royally screws all traffic in Los Angeles. And if you’ve ever heard of Los Angeles, you probably know our traffic is pretty screwed to begin with. The race route cuts a line through the city from the 5 to the ocean, with no way across. It’s kind of like the Berlin Wall, except it only lasts half a day. And...
Dear Little Erin
Chloe discovered her shadow the other day. We took a full 20-minute break from what we were doing so she could dance around and watch it move. She was delighted. At one point, she turned to me and said, “In my shadow I get so big, but in your shadow you get small!” This was blatantly untrue; I was standing right next to her and my ginormous shadow dwarfed hers, but the thought...
Dwight K. Schrute
I spend a lot of time around kids, but I don’t have any of my own. Instead, I have Dwight. Full name: Dwight K. Schrute (Adam named him. It was a vast improvement over the cat. Her name is Star Trek). I think people might be right when they say if you want kids, you should start with a plant. Keep that alive, get a puppy. Keep that alive, you might be ready for kids. The thing is,...
Is This Real Life?
I saw this bus the other day when I was in Van Nuys. I’m a big fan of Parks and Rec, so I got excited for two seconds, took a picture, then promptly forgot about it. Living in LA, you get used to seeing the fake world of film and television bleed into the real world of your life. One time, I saw a car crash into the back of a semi truck by the Hollywood Bowl, then keep driving full...
I tell people I live in Los Angeles, but I actually live in Glendale. It’s Los Angeles adjacent. But it’s not really Los Angeles. It’s kind of like the one time I asked a British friend if she was from the same part of England as this weird British guy we both knew, and she answered, “Yes, the same part of England, but also a different planet.” It’s like...
The Small Stuff
I found this hanging in my closet the other day. I’m not sure I even know where to begin. I’ve been married for eight years, eight months, and six days. That’s 3,173 days total. Or 76,152 hours; but who’s counting? If you take into account the fact that we dated for a couple of years before that, and knew each other for a couple of years before that, we’re...
For Your Consideration
Boston has St. Patrick’s Day. New Orleans has Mardis Gras. And Los Angeles has today. HAPPY OSCAR SUNDAY, PEOPLE. It truly is a happy day here in Los Angeles. Not because some people are going home with statues tonight, or because Billy Crystal is hosting again. No, we’re all happy because tomorrow, Hollywood Blvd., which has been shut down for a week, will be open for traffic...
The other day, Chloe asked me about my tattoos. I have two, both of which are on my forearms; the larger one is pictured above. I’m used to questions about them. When I lived in Morocco, everyone thought my tattoo was henna. I gave up trying to explain, until my one and only trip to a hammam. A hammam is a public steam bath. You pay an entrance fee, collect a bucket of hot water...
Thank You for Shopping at alph's
You know that feeling you have when you’re in a foreign country and everything around you is alien? Like when you’re in Austria at a grocery store and you realize mayonnaise comes in a toothpaste tube, and all you can think is - what is this place? Sometimes, very rarely, I experience that feeling right here at home. And it always floors me....
All That Glitters
Today I was glitterbombed by a 2-year-old. It was, in fact the last straw. It generally takes a lot push me over the edge, but this morning it was a cloud of blue glitter. I grabbed a handful of tiny shirt in one hand, and a glue stick wielding 6-year-old in the other hand and half yelled something to the effect of “I NO WHAT STOP DO NOT MOVE LISTEN...
Welcome to Hollywood
I saw this guy the other day, holding a sign that said “JESUS PUTS D SONG IN MY (heart)” and dancing in the crosswalk at Hollywood and Highland. And he seriously looked as if he had d song in his heart. The man was ecstatic. At first, I didn’t even really see him. It’s Hollywood and Highland. To put this in perspective for those of you who are not from LA, on...
I AM (married to) BATMAN
This is an actual picture of my actual husband. He is not, contrary to popular belief, actual Batman. He is a man of many talents. A renaissance man, if you will. He is good at many things (fewer than he thinks, but more than most people know). Here is a list of things my husband is good at (I know, so many lists, right? I can’t help it. Lists are super fun.): Things My Husband is...
Somewhere Out There
I have a friend Jill who lives in the middle of nowhere in Idaho. Tonight, she called me from her two-person hot tub where she was drinking a glass of wine. The connection wasn’t so great, and she explained that this was because she was on a landline and the cord didn’t quite reach all the way to the hot tub. I found this highly amusing....
A Rose is a Rose
If you haven’t yet seen The Bachelor on ABC. you’re probably in good company. I managed to make it 15 seasons without watching a second of this “reality television dating game show.” But, as Season 16 began, I found myself caving to peer pressure. I wanted to be a part of the conversations everyone seemed to have on Tuesday mornings. And really, what else is there to...
The second Friday of every month, I go to book club. I do not go to book club to engage in heated discussion of literature, or to open my mind and expand my horizons, or to wax philosophical. I go to book club to sit around with a bunch of friends (and occasionally the weird guests they bring), drink a bottle of wine, and talk. Sometimes about The Bachelor. Sometimes about Brazilian waxes....
The Trip to the Zoo (Subtitle: A Tale of Wet...
I decided to take Chloe to the zoo because I have a membership. Don’t ask. (Okay, Groupon.) Chloe is a two and a half year old whirlwind of energy. It is my job to keep her alive, safe, and happy. It was clear from the beginning that she needed a nap - fortunately, LA traffic was exactly as bad as expected, and she fell asleep in the car. I drove to Griffith Park, found a shady spot,...
Hitting the Reset Button
If I could sum up the lessons my mother and father have taught me, it would go something like this: Dad: Be prepared. (Yes, he was a Scout Master. He is concerned with details.) Mom: Be yourself. (Yes, she is a free spirit. She has no talent for details.) These two things are important to know before we begin. You know how sometimes you’re...